Episode II: Revenge of the Protrusion
Though not exactly accurate, I am proud of my Star Wars reference.
Ever experience really strong emotions? Ever get thoughts stuck in your head? Everyone should have nodded yes. If you did not, please ask a friend to explain why you should have.
About 8 months ago I experienced a really strong emotion and a thought that would not leave my brain. I needed help. And, because I had already started my mental health conversation, I quickly received help. My default is to joke and find humour in things that are not so funny. I know mental health was the theme of Post #6, but it is a theme of everyday life for those who are struggling. I am choosing to share my certifiably crazy brain because humans are genetically coded to want to be social and to not feel alone. Honestly, I am still figuring out how to be a medical professional and relate to all my patients, while feeling like a patient myself. Empathy can only be truly shown after that which you are empathetic towards has been experienced. Put another way, you can not truly say you’ve been there, unless you have truly been there.
Back to my back.
March 2018 I hit a sweet spot. I started to feel like my balanced self again. I was playing soccer, work was great, my triathlon training was on track and our Calgary house felt like home. One morning, I was warming up for a treadmill run when I felt a twinge. A familiar pain. My brain did its thing and evaluated the situation. “That felt like a nerve tug like I used to get before my back surgery. Uh Oh! What the heck? What did I do? Why? Why? Why? There was only supposed to be a 5% chance that disc would just spontaneously re-protrude.” I did what I do best. I kept thinking about it and tried to fix it myself. Big problem = I am still battling my brain, aren’t I? I mean, the way I think is unique. Different. If I am taking medication, it means there is still something wrong. Something I am trying to balance out, make even. My brain is not to be fully trusted as the captain of my perception ship. So there was some difficulty explaining the recurrence of symptoms, the recurrence of an old pain. There was a degree of denial that it was the disc again. I managed and continued to exercise 5-6 days a week, play soccer, work, and help with renovations around my new home. I continued to give my mental health the attention it deserved and things were okay. The ship was sailing.
CRASH! AN UNDER WATER REEF!!!
August 15th, 2018. I had a really good night and a surprisingly good morning. However, I was sore. My back and leg were bugging me more than what was normal over the summer. I decided a run was not going to be a good idea, so I went for a walk. I made it about 200m before I felt like I couldn’t stand on my left leg. A sense of panic crept in and I tried to physio brain the problem. I kept walking. Changing my gait, activating my gluts, gently stretching, focused breathing, core engagement. Nothing! Nothing! Nothing worked. I took a 5 minute bench rest/meditation…Then, I hobbled home. I have been off work since.
This is it! This is how I became the guy in need of repair!
Kind of anti-climatic. Hmmm. Well, I guess I could go on. It is my blog after all.
The past 6 weeks have been really important to me. I have struggled with my pain, my mental health, my ability to express how I feel both physically and emotionally. I am a patient, and I am a physiotherapist.
Want to read more? Don’t answer, I can’t hear you.